I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
