it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
