Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
