I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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