we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
