If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
