he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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