i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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