he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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