Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
