Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
