I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
did i just pee glitter
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
