Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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