I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
