I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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