If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
