Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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