I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
