every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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