we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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