quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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