I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
