Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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