So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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