so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
