so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
