you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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