Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
