My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
