I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
