zippers are such a cool invention
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
