I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
