it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
