I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
