I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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