I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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