im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I would fuck him just for his dog
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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