he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
