Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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