Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
