On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
