i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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