That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
