Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
my shit smells like andre
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Can I color on your dick again?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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