I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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