We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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