the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
