I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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