is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
