I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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