Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
