i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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