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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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